Monday, March 22, 2010

...Because You Can't Take It With You

Now I must say that this is not my own but I came across this interesting article once and I found it to be thought provoking. It first appeared in a 1933 edition of Esquire magazine. Well without any further adieu...



A Pocket History of Milton J. Wurtleburtle

By: Robert D. Abrahams

Contents of His Pockets at Ten

1 watch, lacking a main spring.
1 report card, badly frayed and unpresented at home.
1 much damaged cigarette, unsmoked.
1 penknife.
1 rubber band, for use in sling-shot.
Remains of an exploded toy balloon.
2 marbles.
4 caps of milk bottles, won in competition
1 dirty handkerchief.
1 piece of chewing gum.
2 keys which do not fit locks.
7 pieces of string.

Contents of His Pockets at Twenty

1 cheap watch
1 one dollar bill and twenty-one cents in change.
1 letter on lavender stationery from a girl in Worcester, Massachusetts, signed with numerous “X’s.”
1 letter on mauve stationery from a girl in Cleveland, Ohio, signed with numerous “X’s.”
1 photograph of a beautiful girl who does not live in Worcester, Massachusetts or Cleveland, Ohio.
1 address book, containing nicknames and addresses only.
1 letter from the Dean of …….College, regretting the necessity of again calling attention to his deficiencies.
1 bank book, showing balance of $4.20.
1 pipe, marked with college class numerals.
1 tobacco pouch.
1 key to his own door.
1 fancy handkerchief for coat pocket.
1 pocket comb.

Contents of His Pockets at Thirty

1 gold watch with jeweled movements
1 roll of bills containing $84.00.
1 practical handkerchief and one fancy handkerchief in coat pocket.
The same picture of Mrs. Milton J. Wurtleburtle and both the children.
Membership card in Elks, Moose and nine other fraternal orders and clubs.
1 accountant’s statement of business of Milton J. Wurtleburtle & Co., showing net worth of business now high
1 letter from Jake Hesser from Colorado, saying Wurtleburtle can expect to hear great news from that mining proposition soon; all that is needed is capital.
1 circular, advertising hair restorer.
1 memorandum from wife to stop and buy new goldfish, the old ones having died.
1 bill from summer camp for children’s stay.
2 ten-cent cigars.
Several keys on ring, opening-
(a) his home door
(b) his office door
(d) his automobile tire lock and
(d) his safe deposit box

Contents of His Pockets at Fifty

1 watch, inscribed “To the Chief from Affectionate Employees of Milton J. Wurtleburtle & Company, on the Occasion of His 50th Birthday.”
1 roll of bills, held together with rubber band.
2 silk handkerchiefs and one for display.
1 picture of son in cap and gown.
1 picture of daughter in riding habit.
1 letter from son, asking for a little more money this month.
1 letter from daughter, saying she will be home after attending only four more out-of-town horse shows.
1 statement of accountant showing Milton J. Wurtleburtle & Co. has very large net worth this year.
1 spectacle case containing a pair of reading glasses.
Life membership cards of twenty-two different fraternal orders and clubs.
Letters from receivers of Colorado-Hesser Mines, Inc., stating it is doubtful whether stockholders will receive anything from wind-up of concern.
2 quarter cigars.
Numerous keys on ring, including-
(a) key to home door
(b) key to office door
(c) key to safe deposit box
(d) key to country club locker

Contents of His Pockets at 60

1 watch, inscribed as before, containing, in case, picture of three grandchildren.
1 roll of bills as before.
1 practical handkerchief.
7 additional pictures of three grandchildren.
1 letter confirming reservations for “Around the World Cruise” for Mr. and Mrs. Milton J. Wurtleburtle.
1 copy of tentative president’s report for submission to stockholders of Milton J. Wurtleburtle & Co., Inc., showing large dividends earned during the year.
1 bottle of liver pills.
1 spectacle case containing bifocal glasses.
1 recipe for cocktail, written by a friend.
Several keys on a ring, opening:
(a) his home door.
(b) his office door.
(c) his safe deposit box.

Contents of His Pockets at Seventy

1 watch, inscribed as before, containing, in case, picture of Mrs. Milton J. Wurtleburtle.
Roll of bills as before.
1 dirty handkerchief.
1 spectacle case with glasses and one spectacle case with magnifying glasses.
Letters from three grandchildren from three different colleges, thanking him for Christmas presents.
Letter from Edenwood Cemetery, acknowledging receipt of check for perpetual care of Mrs. Milton J. Wurtleburtle’s lot.
Letter of praise from Board of Directors of Milton J. Wurtleburtle & Co., Inc., on occasion of his retirement from active business.
Notice to report for jury service.
1 newspaper clipping, concerning grandsons playing as substitute end for Princeton.
Two keys on ring, opening-
(a) his home door.
(b) his safe deposit box.

Contents of His Pockets at 80

1 handkerchief in coat pocket carefully folded and placed there by the undertaker.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Goodmorning, Philadelphia.



Well as most of you know, I grew up in the suburbs outside of the great city of Philadelphia. It's almost hard to believe for four years I've called this place home. Well, not actually home, because that will always be Jones Blvd, but it's where I've spent the majority of my past four years. Some say you have to leave the city because it makes you hard. I'll be the first one to tell you that's not true. The city does start to grind on you a bit, the traffic, noise, trash and people all start to take their toll, but not necessarily in a bad way. It makes me appreciate home all that much more. Now I'm not blowing unicorns, leprechauns, and rainbows up the arse of the Lehigh Valley, but it was a nice place to grow up. However, living in the city you learn a lot about the city. I've compiled a list of things I've learned while living in Philly:

10. It's not a lawn chair, it's my spot.
You see, when the snow comes out so do random lawn chairs/road-cones/sawhorses. It's part of the unwritten code. A code that is to be followed and respected. Goddammit, I dug out this spot and you will not get it, even if it's over my dead body.

9. The sidewalk is your trashcan.
I am personally appalled at this practice but I still see it all the time. People that live in the city, especially in the more urban areas, totally disregard and/or are oblivious to the fact that there are trash cans on every corner. Instead, they usually opt to finish their can of Steel-Reserve and toss it in the gutter.

8. It doesn't matter what time you leave, the Schuylkill Expressway will be jammed.
Traffic in Philadelphia is the worst. It seems whenever you need to get somewhere in a hurry, there is an overturned tractor trailer at the Conshohocken Curve or the infamous phantom "disabled vehicle" that is blocking all westbound lanes. You never see it, but it's always holding you up. It sounds morbid, but if I'm sitting in traffic going nowhere I wanna see broken glass, flashing lights, and maybe hear an explosion or two.

7. Random Gun Violence.
This one never makes sense to me. If your going to shoot someone, it better be for a damn good reason. It has also come to my attention that most thugs that carry are poor shots. More often than not, it's poor little 6 year-old Lisa who's standing on the corner at 11'oclock at night that gets hit by some thug's stray jacketed hollow point. What little Lisa is doing on the corner at 11'oclock at night is a whole 'nother issue, but nonetheless, I digress.

6. Plan Alternate Routes.
This is especially true in the warmer, summer months. The time is soon approaching us when all the neighborhoods and wards in Philadelphia will be having their annual block parties. You'll be driving down the road trying to get to where your going and then BAM, the all too familiar PPD blue saw-horses are blocking your path. You think about going around them, but you realize that driving around the block is probably easier than running over the moonbounce the block rented for the occaision.

5. Septa.
Notoriously tardy and equally dirty. The filth is no fault of their own. It's kind of tough to keep the subway clean when a bum...err I mean vagrant, utilizes the rear of the car as their own personal latrine. Dear vagrants, please confine your bathroom practices to your usual stairwell areas, that way I don't have to ride for 20 minutes smelling your pee for the entire duration.

4. Sirens.
It has become somewhat of my urban lullaby. Going to sleep at night to the lonely wail of a police siren is now somewhat comforting. Growing up next to an EMS station, I was already somewhat used to it, but now more so than ever. That being said, it is equally comforting going to bed to rest after a long weekend and hearing your local bum root through your trash for aluminum cans. I mean hey, if you [bum] would like to root through my trash that's fine, but please there is no need to tear open the bags and leave banana peels and other rubbish strewn about the sidewalk. Allowing you to root through my trash is my privilege I give to you. Do not abuse it, or next time the trash is going out on Monday morning on my way to class.

3. Sticky Fingered Bartenders.
Yes, I surrender to your $4 bottles of miller lite. However Miss, this does not give you the right or the authority to just keep the five dollar bill I gave you. The beer was $4, therefore a simple subtraction calculation will give you the difference of 1. This number 1, represents the amount of dollars you owe me in change. I promise I will tip you, maybe even $2, if only you would give me my change first.

2. The Genuine Disregard for Personal Property.
Just because you drive an 1983 Oldmobile Cutloose piece of shit does not give you the right to clip someone's mirror and just keep driving. Granted, you probably do not have insurance let alone a valid license...common courtesy provides one with the inclination of the feeling that maybe that was wrong. In addition, the "Philly Bump" is equally disturbing. For those unaware, this is the practice of ever so gently "feeling" your way into a parallel parking spot. More often than not, the "feel" becomes somewhat more of a full frontal assault on your bumper. Please, when you think your close enough to my bumper, you probably are. There is no need to make actual, physical contact with my vehicle, thanks.

1. A Lack of Quality Parenting.
On a serious note, this is one of the most disturbing qualities I find in urban youth. Yea okay, your dad might not be around or your mom may have abandoned you but shit, that doesn't mean you can wander the streets taking your aggressions out by causing trouble. It starts with your parents. If you're missing one, okay...drive on. It's a sad story, I get it, I really do. I do feel for these kids but at some point you know, regardless of what your parents may have taught you, what's wrong and what's right.

It was in no particular order, but there it is. It's not a gripe list either. I like living in the city, I really do. I often tell my classmates I would not want to go to school anywhere else. It's what makes the city, well...the city. Maybe soon I'll write my list of things I love about this city, but until then I leave you with an annex of nuances and annoyances.

Take care Philadelphia, and I'll see you in about 10mins, when I leave the friendly confines of my bedroom.